it will go away

this is one time when i feel i am suffering from the greatest loss so far. it caught me unaware and therefore unprepared that this was going to happen. i couldn't believe it at first, but now that i've been trying to find all the help i could get in order for me to recover i realize how affected i was or am. eleven out 25 symptoms of grief is present in me and i'm still swinging between the stage of anger and letting go (stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, letting go, acceptance). i'm not sure when i'll get past these stages but hope to finally come to my senses and accept that it's really over and that better life awaits me.

i'm not ashamed to admit that i cried almost everyday in the last two weeks. i'm a very transparent person anyway, people whom i don't even know could see that i was hurting...and yeah, depressed. but my tears are healing me. being able to cry when i wanted to helped make me feel relieved afterwards. my tears mean that i am not denying myself of my real feelings.

i'm between anger and letting go. anger because i felt misled. letting go because i know i must. i'm moving on towards acceptance because i'm slowly seeing that life could get worse for me if this thing goes on. i am painstakingly persuading myself that my loss now is for the best. i just have to finish a few more business before i finally say i've done everything i must and i have nothing more to regret. i'm still angry at the moment but one day i will be able to forgive and say with straight face: it's his loss, not mine.

101 things i'll miss about romel

1. galugarin ang binondo para sa dragon oil na request ng daddy nya which culminated with a snack at estero, crispy froglegs.

2. tumambay sa plaza ng cotabato city isang madaling araw at lapitan ng bulag para sabihing cute ako... o sya (?). ewan namin, di namin alam kung sino talaga ang tinitingnan saming dalawa.

3. morning and evening conversations habang magkayakap

4. maligo ng sabay at tuloy ang kwentuhan

5. our parenting roles to ayi and kai

6. sagada adventure at ang masasarap na food doon

7. davao city. humbertos, lispher, hotel galleria, luz kinilaw, tan-ton, i love sushi, kadayawan festival, samal island, sm davao, yung kapihan sa sm, gaisano ilustre at yung italian restaurant sa 5th floor, nccc na may masarap na kilawin at seaweeds na sobrang mura, basti's brew, blugre, mts, jack's ridge

8. romel's pasta surprise number 2 na niluto nya nong christmas and downing a bottle of asti spumanti na may mamam na kasunod.

9. experimenting with vegetaraian dishes which always turned out really good na pag iluluto ulit namin the same dish eh iba na naman ang procedure pero sumasarap pa rin

10. watching movies with him at pagpipigil na makatulog

11. quick dinners with richie and i sa gateway

12. PDA

13. cellphone bills that could soar to P4,000 a month because of endless texting and calls

14. ayi

15. "hello wifey"

16. i-sketch sya habang tulog

17. art sessions namin

18. watch and listem to him play his electric guitar

19. piano lessons, lalo na nung natutunan ko tugtugin yung "how did you know"

20. bakasyon sa marinduque na pareho kaming pagod pagkatapos magbakasyon

21. reading aloud para sabay na kaming nakakapagbasa

22. Yahoo messaging

23. makinig sa mga kwento at problema nya tungkol sa trabaho

24. makilala ang mga kaibigan nya

25. dinner at cantina with ayi and kai

26. pagsundo sa kanya sa kanto ng st. mary at new york

27. him taking photos and videos of me

28. dining with him, bellinis, muang thai, cpk, dulcinea, snackaroo, inato, jordans, cibo, dulcinea, cafe bola, superbowl, cheesecake etc, mediterranean restaurant sa greenbelt, ice monster, rasa sa may araneta, max's, cafe breton, mcdonald's, greens, vegemix sa kamias na nakakagulat ang presyo eh ang liit-liit ng resto, kenny roger's, pollo loco, pancake house

29. pig-out sa sm - eat-all-you can lunch na hanggang kinabukasan ay busog pa kami

30. nakaw na picture-taking sa ccp while waiting for kai's recital to start

31. watching ayi's soccer games

32. listening to kai practice his recital pieces

33. his nude sketches of me

34. playing boggle and beating him most of the time

35. the endless hamunan ng chess match na di naman natuloy ever

36. massage sessions complete with body shop massage oil or yung sa bench na para sa paa, pero lugi sya sakin kasi magaling sya magmasahe at ako eh dinadaan sa lambing at kwento

37. paghuhugas nya ng dishes

38. pagliligpit sa kwarto

39. yung ipaglaba sya at babayaran nya ko - valuation of reproductive work daw

40. yung ipagplantsa nya ko and i'd give him back half of what he paid me for doing the laundry - valuation of reproductive work din

41. valencia, bukidnon at ang matabang nyang spaghetti while watching 'finding nemo"

42. vienna koffeehaus sa cagayan de oro

43. window shopping

44. shopping for his running shoes

45. pagbantay sa things nya habang tumatakbo sya sa UP

46. crabstick sandwich and green salad

47. sunday mornings sa may sacred heart church para kumain ng kwek-kwek at mamili ng suman at espadang tuyo

48. pamamalengke sa farmers' market

49. MRT rides

50. pagsundo sa kanya sa airport

51. pagsundo nya sakin sa airport

52. discovering na ang dami palang lugar na magkasama kami pero di kami magkakilala at nagkikita

53. listening to his life story na installment ang dating

54. magic singing with him

55. paghintay nyang matapos yung training sa afrim at kumanta ng "what a wonderful world"

56. pag-introduce sa kanya, "si romel, asawa ko."

57. pagpunta sa school fair nila kai

58. the roller coaster ride sa fiesta mall sa alabang na muntik ko na kinahimatay

59. pag-ikot sa cotabato city, pinakita nya itsura ng ukay-ukay don

60. diskusyon kung kailangan ba ng separate na cr para sa mga gays

61. his sarcastic remarks

62. swimming lessons everytime may opportunity

63. pagpaplano ng mga susunod na pupuntahan, vigan, fort ilocandia, balik sa sagada na kaming dalawa lang, corregidor, mental sa bataan, backpacking

64. pagdamutan sya ng crispy gurami na pasalubong ni richie from thailand

65. dreaming of growing old together

66. yung kwento nya kung pano nya naiintindihan ang mga diocesan priests at kaibahan nito sa congregation o order ba yon... antok na antok na ko nung inuusap namin yon

67. kwentuhan tungko sa masons at templars

68. jorge, jazer and julia (anak nila jazer na di nagpapakarga sa iba pero sa kin eh ahlos sumama na pauwi)

69. pagpunta sa mga simbahan na di namin dinadasalan pero pini-picturan naman nya

70. "kitakits" na text nya tuwing magbo-board sya ng eroplano

71. "maligayang pagdating sa paliaparan ng maynila" tuwing pag-landing ng eroplanong sinasakyan ko kahit san ako galing

72. always telling me i'm amazing

73. haharap sa salamin na magkayakap

74. touching his face hanggang ma-memorize ko ang buong contour ng mukha nya

75. marinig ang hilik nya

76. waking up each morning with him beside me

77. pag-iikot sa buong national bookstore looking for a perfect gift for richie and i

78. kahati sa lahat ng gastos

79. joint account namin na laging utang ang hulog nya at hanggang ngayon eh di pa namin nako-close

80. umiyak habang kayakap sya

81. his tears... "tears of joy" daw

82. my tears..."tears for fears"

83. ma-amaze sa kanya na mababaw naman pala ang kaligayahan nya lalo na pag nanunuod ng eat bulaga

84. his lunches at wise act

85. yung mga tics nya na unang-una nyang sinabing dapat kong maksanayan sa kanya.

86. pag-tirintas sa goatee nya

87. mga gabing naglalakad sa buong barangay

89. mga mamam na mamam

90. pangungulit nya

91. monopoly game with kai na ang gulang-gulang nya

92. pakikinig nya sa mga kwento ko tungkol sa office

93. yung mga mata nyang nalulungkot para sa kin dahil sa mga dinaanan ko at pagtatanong kung pano ko kinaya lahat yun

94. tea times with him

95. coming home and knowing he would be home soon

96. reading the books that he gave me

97. "naaley"

98. yung perfume o wrist watch na ireregalo nya dapat sakin sa birthday ko o sa pasko na di na matutuloy

99. "labs" sa phone book ko, kasi "toink" na ngayon ang naka-register

100. missing him

101. SIYA!!!

i could list down more pero sa title ay 101 lang kaya tama na yon.

sarcasm

it's hard to deal with sarcasm professionally when there are or were emotions involved. i can get away with derisive remarks from people i work with because i need not take them personally. in the same manner, i can speak in contemptuous tone unworried that the person might be offended or incensed by my commentaries because it's just work, nothing personal. heated arguments could arise especially that i'm very vocal about my views and opinions and i usually draw the ire of many people but they and i know it's just work and at the end of the day it's back to level-headedness and casual chit-chats.

but it's different with somebody i had a past and i try to discuss things at professional level. while i try to ignore sarcastic remarks it never fails to set off my exasperation. my patience is always put to the test. i am capable of setting aside my personal interest or disinterest on a person if i have to discuss work-related matters. unfortunately, not all people are like that. it's not just once that i had to transact business with a someone i got very close to. and it's not just once that the person i deal with could afford to be sarcastic and i would keep my calm. i often wondered if they would treat other people they work with the same way they treat me. perhaps they would be courteous. if they know they're pass their deadline they would probably be apologetic. hayy.

nawawalang blog

gumawa ako ng hiwalay na blog, yung ako lang ang may alam. yung hindi alam ng ibang nagbabasa ng blog ko, yung pag may naligaw ay magbabasa lang kung maganda ang nakasulat at wala lang kung di naman interesting ang post ko. para sana don ako magsulat ng magsulat ng magsulat ng most intimate thoughts ko, para sana yun ang maging outlet ko kasi may mga bagay na di ko pa pwede i-share sa mga taong kilala ako, pero likas akong madaldal at open about my thoughts and feelings kaya sana dun na lang sa blog na yon muna.

matapos ang mahigit sampung palit ng url dahil lahat ng pinili ko ay di daw available finally ay may tinannggap din ang blogger.com. naka-proceed din ako sa paggawa ng blog complete with altered profile, kaso nakalimutan ko ang username at password. ayan di tuloy ako makapag-post. ilang email na ang natanggap ko in trying to recover my username and password eh lalo lang gumulo ang buhay.

a few things i learned about life, pag nagiging open ang isang tao tungkol sa buhay nya dalawang bagay ang pwedeng mangyari. either maintindihan ka ng mga tao or maging prone ka sa mga misinterpretations and misperceptions nila about you. unti-unti kong natutunan ngayon na laging may risk sa pakikipag-relate sa mga tao, there's a greater risk if you trust a particular person with everything about you at di ka nya maintindihan. o di mo sya maintindihan. but i'm that kind of person who loves to trust, parang don umiinog ang buhay ko, nagsisimula ako lagi sa basic goodness ng mga tao at they can be trusted. iba-iba lang talaga ang mga takbo ng buhay ng bawat isa kaya iba-iba din ang pananaw at interpretasyon sa buhay. tapos sa sarili mo din may mga in-expect ka din from the people that you trust, at nakaka-disappoint pa-minsan pag di na-meet yung expectaions mo. in the same manner, nadi-disappoint din sila kapag di mo nami-meet expectations nila. ganon naman talaga.

kaya wag na lang akong magsalita, magsulat na lang ako. pero sana mahanap ko na yung nawawalang blog ko.