it will go away

this is one time when i feel i am suffering from the greatest loss so far. it caught me unaware and therefore unprepared that this was going to happen. i couldn't believe it at first, but now that i've been trying to find all the help i could get in order for me to recover i realize how affected i was or am. eleven out 25 symptoms of grief is present in me and i'm still swinging between the stage of anger and letting go (stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, letting go, acceptance). i'm not sure when i'll get past these stages but hope to finally come to my senses and accept that it's really over and that better life awaits me.

i'm not ashamed to admit that i cried almost everyday in the last two weeks. i'm a very transparent person anyway, people whom i don't even know could see that i was hurting...and yeah, depressed. but my tears are healing me. being able to cry when i wanted to helped make me feel relieved afterwards. my tears mean that i am not denying myself of my real feelings.

i'm between anger and letting go. anger because i felt misled. letting go because i know i must. i'm moving on towards acceptance because i'm slowly seeing that life could get worse for me if this thing goes on. i am painstakingly persuading myself that my loss now is for the best. i just have to finish a few more business before i finally say i've done everything i must and i have nothing more to regret. i'm still angry at the moment but one day i will be able to forgive and say with straight face: it's his loss, not mine.