read at your own risk

june 12

2006-06-13T10:43:00.000+08:00

happy birthday
happy anniversary
happy independence day

pabaon

2006-06-01T21:29:00.000+08:00

hiv/aids like human rights does not discriminate. anyone can have it regardless of age, sex, class, civil status, religion, political belief, or what have you.

there are four major modes of transmission, through blood (90% chances), sexual intercourse (up to 1%), injecting drug use (10%) and mother-to-child before, during and after birth (up to 50%). but sexual intercourse remains the most common mode, heterosexual intercourse tops the list, then homosexual, followed by bisexual.

hiv can be found in all body fluids but only four kinds have been found to have enough concentration that can cause transmission, blood, seminal fluid, vaginal secretion and breastmilk.

you need to drink a bucketful (about 8 gallons) of saliva of an hiv+ person to contract hiv. but what kind of person can secrete that much saliva? and even if one can, by the time an hiv+ fills a bucket with his or her saliva the virus will be dead because it can only survive outside the body for so long.

and what foolish person would drink another person's saliva. yes, you can say yuck.

can you share spoons, plates, glasses or even toilet with an hiv+? sure you can. what you have to watch out for are the opportunistic infections or diseases that are contagious, such as tuberculosis or pneumonia. but regardless whether a person is hiv+ or not, he or she can have contagious infections.

can you have sex with an hiv+ person? yeisss, there are safe ways of having sex. well, fyi only. you dont have to try it, not even with a non-carrier.

it is said that in islamic countries there is low account of hiv infection. this is more because of the culture of silence. it does not necessarily mean that they are less susceptible to the virus. lack of information is not tantamount to lack of infection.

must we be afraid of hiv+ people? no. they're just as human as we are.

is it always their fault that they have the virus? uhhh, it can be a tricky question... i think that depends from person to person. some people, even if they have enough and correct information, still engage in risky behaviours. but for many (and by many we're talking of millions), they have the virus either because they lacked the correct information and did not know how to prevent it; they were born with it; the virus was forcibly given to them. sad no?

so wherever you go, take this with you as an additional protection, even if according to UNAIDS, hiv infections have peaked in the 1990s and have already stabilised after 25 years, but remains an 'exceptional threat' nonetheless.

pasalubong!!!! :-)

happy birthday

2006-05-23T15:10:00.000+08:00

this year's is unmistakeably the happiest birthday i had in all of my 25, er, 26...okay, okay 32 (toink!!) years on earth. i usually let my birthday pass without a fuss, any celebration is obligatory on my part in exchange for the greetings that come either a few minutes or seconds before my birthday or first thing in the morning when i wake up. last year it was richie who greeted me around 4 am. this year yhen was with me through texts minutes before 12 midnight. my best friend holds the record, she greeted me two months ahead so she wouldn't forget.

this year's is entirely different from the years that passed, especially last year's. last year i made sure i was home from davao on my birthday so i could celebrate it with a loved one only to be stunned with an ironic revelation that the person i wanted to be with did not want me around. geeez!!! and the rest is history..herstory.

this time around i was in davao conducting a training. i thought that getting busy (reeaaallly busy) on that day would obscure any sad and tragic memories of the previous birthday that might resurface. luckily for me, none of last year's entered my mind. one, i was too busy. two, it was one hell of a birthday that i am just so glad i have finally put behind me now.

this year, i celebrated my birhtday with more strangers that friends. at first, only four or five people knew i was turning 32 (hah!!) but my boss revealed it to everyone. so instead of them singing to me, they made me sing to myself. and i did it with so much gusto. when i came back to manila i didn't wait for my colleagues to goad me to treat them, i immediately told them we're going to celebrate.

in a way, it's a display of appreciation on my part. not for being born but for their being with me the whole time last year that i was in tremendous emotional stress; for the respect when i chose to be silent; for the listening ears when i was ready to talk, and for the shoulders when i wanted to cry...no, wail.

memories of last year do come by every now and then, they're already imprinted in my memory bank. the emotions....uhm, they're now reasons for me to smile. the experience... lessons to guide me along the way.

i know i've never thanked everyone who helped me go through last year's sticky situation i was in. i did really wait for this day, my birhtday as all of last year's sad memories turned one year.... no... today i stop thinking of it as sad or tragic or difficult.

thanks.... kahlil, richie, i., jocey, malou, yhen, kasoy, burns, xty, sascha, noel, baby, jay, another jay, manang, vee, zone, thony, agnes, phobel, eboy, e., kips, elisa, dave, ronald, .... to others whose names i'd rather not mention.

moving pictures

2006-05-03T14:00:00.000+08:00

masbate

2006-04-25T15:33:00.000+08:00

the view

bonding time

cool
cooler
coolest

dad didn't want to join the game because it was good friday but we had an excuse, he was drinking with the owner of the resort. mom went with us, a spectator at first, later she started coaching kai, much, much later she got her own stick, good shots with every turn

click here masbate rocks!!!

revisited

2006-04-11T18:05:00.000+08:00

underneath piles of magazines and work-related documents i found a long lost letter which transported me back to a not-so-distant past. it was a prolific letter, a good fictional material. had not been the letter about me and had i not known the author i would give it a two-thumbs up for its mind-boggling yet hard-hitting plot.

looking back it was maddening. the letter depicted me as desperate, delusional, obsessed, paranoid, manic, manipulative. anyone not privy to the events that were taking place the time the letter was written would ask what was i doing outside a mental asylum, that i was a dangerous person better locked in isolation. the letter vilified me line after line after line after line....

i dont know which is which, was it a work of fiction about a non-fictional character which happened to be me? or was it a non-fiction about a fictional character? whatever it was, it did not serve the real purpose why there was that letter in the first place. it might have served the author. whether he was successful or not is beside me now. between the lies...er lines, however, certain truths could be extracted, not about me but about the author.

one's propensity to prevaricate the truth can bring out the literary prowess of a person. if it's talent i wish i had it. alas, i do not possess such fertile imagination and illusion to depict a person so remote from his or her true character.

in hindsight, the letter could well destroy me, my dignity. yes, my pride was bruised but i was able to redeem my dignity. such an effort exerted to put me down and here i am standing still. such extent to ruin my reputation and i gained more respect from others. such lies about me and my true self was revealed. i'm glad i am not one wont to succumb to the temptation of distorting the truth. had i done such i would be rid of self-respect and never regain it, for if it is of my own doing then no one else can give it back to me.

the letter also taught me compassion. sigh, sad are the people who need to resort to telling lies about other people in an attempt to exalt themselves.

hiv/aids seminar workshop

2006-04-04T15:19:00.000+08:00

kwela ang dalawang serye ng hiv/aids seminar na ginawa namin in the last two weeks. kwela in a sense na iba-iba personality ng mga taong um-attend, although i'm already familiar with most of them kasi mga dati nang nagpa-participate sa trainings namin it was only during that time that i was able to mingle with them kahit ako pa rin ang punong abala.

kwela na kahit marami sa kanila ay nagkakakila-kilala na last year sa VAW and Human Rights training eh ngayon lang sila nagkaroon ng chance na makapagkwentuhan ng matatagal at masyadong personal. siguro kasi may usaping sexuality itong sa HIV/AIDS at pati kung sino-sino ang gumagamit ng condom eh nahalukay during the discussions.

at kahit ako ang organizer cum trainor cum coordinator cum contact person cum lcd/laptop operator cum facilitator cum finance manager cum exercise guru cum videographer cum nanay ni kakai ng seminar na yon eh nagawa ko pang tandaan ang mga persnalidad ng karamihan sa kanila.

1. si m1 - sa lahat ng in-attendan nya saming activities lagi syang may problema o bagahe na dala. with all due respect to her, parang sya yung taong kakambal ang kunsumisyon.

2. g - datihan na din, sya ang crush ng bayan tuwing may activity ang wiseact, sya kasi ang single at most gender sensitive male, (hindi pseudo, hindi quasi). akala mo tahimik pero may kakulitan din...ay, hindi pala. makulit pala talaga.

3. y - twice na syang naka-attend ng training namin, twice na rin na buntis syang nag-attend, twice na syang nagkikwento ng interesting nyang love(less)life

4. n - kamukha sya ni mirage sa 'the incredibles', center of attraction or distraction ang kanyang buhok at ang makapal na eyeglasses. may pagka over-acting kung minsan pero ang di alam ng marami eh loaded sya ng stress dahil sa kanyang breast cancer. so yung mga bad trip sa pagkapakialamera nya eh pinatawad na sya.

5. l - l for lesbian. sya ang lesbianang magaling maglagay ng condom sa t*** (dildo lang naman). ang catch? ang condom galing sa bibig!!!

6. mv - gwapo, matalino, malinis, inquisitive, provocative ang mga tanong at comments. safe sex practitioner. single and unattached at the moment. gay. future partner ko!!

7. or - pag tumingin sya sayo iisipin mong crush ka nya, pailalim, at as in titig ang ginagawa. tahimik at suplado. pero sakin obligado sya ngumiti.

8. r - the silent type, as in silent sya sa buong tatlong araw. intro at eval ko lang sya nadinig magsalita.

9. nl - mukang gambling lord, na corrupt na barangay captain, na taga-tagay ng gin sa kanto, yosi buddy ko. mabait na asawa, at least sa kwento nya

10. d - supladita ang dating, para syang commercial model ng shampoo dahil laging hinahawi ang maganda nyang buhok. mababaw ang luha. kaibigan ni m1. aggressive in an empowered way; type si g. naglibre sa min ng beer.

11. mc - kalahating araw na nga lang nag-attend ng walang confirmation (at nanghingi pa ng kit!!) eh kini-question pa yung process namin. nag-concede naman sya bandang huli pero 15 minutos din nasayang sa kanya.

12. lw - devil's advocate ever, mandatory hiv testing daw para sa lahat ng pinoy, bata, matanda, girl, boy, bakla, tomboy. boss sya sa kanila pero mas malalim pa ang mga tanong ni brosia sa pugad baboy kesa sa mga tanong nya. namimilosopo na lang talaga at sanay na ako na hinahamon nya lagi kung gano ko kaalam pinagsasabi ko. lusot naman ako lagi.

13. rr - too good to be true. sa simula ng seminar eh lagi syan nagre-remark na may positive sa mga participants, sa itsura pa lang daw alam na tapos sa isang activity na kailangan nilang i-identify sino positive sa mga binigay naming pictures eh di daw niya mapili because he couldn't tell from the looks alone. haller!!! kala nya di ko nadinig earlier remarks nya.

14. j - another gender-sensitive guy, tahimik, minsan lang magsalita, eager lagi matuto. na-frustrate sya na di na-meet expectation nyang malaman ang symptoms ng HIV. haller ulit, sinabi na ngang asymptomatic nga ang HIV eh. sus.

at the end of the seminar textmates na sila lahat. at like ko sila lahat.

test

2006-03-20T10:16:00.000+08:00

kaninang umaga

2006-03-17T16:38:00.000+08:00

me: mama, sa maginoo ho.
tricycle driver: malumanay?
me: hindi ho. maginoo ho.
tricycle: matino?
me: maginoo ho!!! number 73
tricycle: ah maginoo. anong number?
me: 73 ho
tricycle: o sige.

andar na ang tricycle...........pagdating sa maginoo huminto sa number 75.

hayyyy.

good morning???

2006-02-03T09:38:00.000+08:00

i'll be damned. went to the post office first thing today at nia road in quezon city to claim the package of DVDs my brother ordered online. there was not much fuss in processing the documents to prove that i was an authorized representative; no grumpy government employee. the one who attended to me even called me 'mahal'. she asked, "first time mo mag-claim?" to which i replied yes. i saw two small boxes that contained the dvd's, i surmised there could be about two sets of dvds in one box and the smaller one contained just one set.

then the smiling employee said i should wait a little while because they were computing the tax i had to pay. after a minute or so (boy, were they efficient!)she asked me to go to another window and showed the amount: PhP1,699.00. that's for a $93 worth package, 4842.00 in philippine peso at an exchange rate of P52.09 to a dollar

shocked with the amount, i said i only had P700 with me. she then asked if i needed a receipt. i said it was not necessary. i was willing to pay the full amount if i could find an ATM had she not said "sige lang, maayos natin, magkano ba maibabayad mo?" i was nonplussed. was the woman asking for a bribe? she repeatedly said 'maaayos yan.' i couldn't get myself to react and just stared at the assessment sheet. it said "customs duty". what was that supposed to mean? was it my duty to the customs to pay whatever amount i could afford that they in turn could put straight into their pockets and i could walk away with the parcel? or was it customary that they would try to fix everything, and it was my duty to remunerate their 'extra effort' to help me?

she could fix it!!! i inquired if she would still give me a receipt even if i paid less. she didn't reply, instead she called the customs officer to explain all those numbers he scribbled.

blah-blah-blah, and all the rhetoric, the customs officer even showed me a primer and a brought out a tome about tarrifs and everything. i reacted about the r-vat. i asked why it was covered by r-vat when the parcel reached the port of manila in jan 20. he said because it was inspected only today. i retorted, "what? so if it happened to be a bomb you wouldn't know unless somebody comes and tells you 'hey, i'm going to claim the explosives'. it could have exploded and you wouldn't know what hit you." anyway, i didn't really want to argue about that. i was just pissed that they attempted to steal what was supposed to go to the government coffer, but had i yielded would go straight to their pockets. not that i trust the state but actually talking to this kind of goverment employees was really galling.

anyway again, i wasn't willing to take part in pulling off that act so i told them i'd come back some other time with the full amount. i took the primer with me. the customs officer cheerfully, (yes, cheerfully) said i could consult a lawyer if i wanted to while i walked away incensed though i still managed to give him a smile.

damn!!!

the making of a pirate

2006-01-30T15:47:00.000+08:00

it's unnerving.

i got the idea from my bro who suggested that i'd borrow vcd's from the video rental shop in our neighborhood and have them burnt instead of frequenting the records store at gateway or elsewhere. he knows i don't like buying pirated video's so i end up spending a fortune eversince i got a dvd player. not that i have anything against those who patronize pirated cds, i just fear being short-changed. i dont like the disappointment that comes when the movie i'm yearning to watch turns out to be dubbed in a language i cannot comprehend. or discovering that i am not alone watching the film in the comforts of my home with all the murmurs and coughing in the cinema captured in the re-recording by who else but the pirate him/her self.

it took a while before i had the gumption to actually do what my brother said i could do. thought it was practical and cost-effective but on second thought, i wouldn't have the original video, and yes, i deemed it was piracy. but then again maybe it was not gumption that i had to muster but rather to find the time to visit the video shop and have my membership renewed so i could resume borrowing films i missed.

so today i did it. i was both thrilled and anxious each time i clicked "copy". was it theft? was it cheating? was i stealing an intellectual property? was it really piracy? well, it's not like i'm going to mass reproduce those films, sell and turn them into dough. it's for personal entertainment. people are doing it anyway. i always maintain that having many people doing something doesn't make a thing right. but just this time i opted to put aside my principle of going against the tide.

oh the heck with it, i got copies of films i want to watch over and over, and i'll get more. enjoy pala. :-)

2006-01-12T14:00:00.000+08:00

no man's dying words had ever been "i wish i slept with fewer women."
- mark mason
what men think about sex.

a night to remember

2006-01-11T16:18:00.000+08:00

i'm more than a decade older than sascha. we have different interests. she has her own circle of friends, i have mine. prior to the ordeal last year i considered her just an acquaintance. i didn't think we'd have anything in common, and if we would be friends it would be circumstantial rather than a result of an effort from our part to initiate friendship. if at all, i had even thought that i would actually have an ax to grind with her(woman's intution).

i have looked forward to that moment alone with her. we've had many times together but were never alone. yesterday when she asked if i had time for coffee i didn't think twice. funny thought occured to me right after i said yes. why not, sascha after all is a significant person to me. i wondered if i'd feel awkward, or if she'd feel awkward to me. was i denying to myself that i have a secreted animosity towards her? what would we talk about? would we compare notes?

i decided i'd play it by ear, although i was 100% certain i'd love to have coffee with her; 100% sure that whatever happened between us (was it really between us?) is now water under the bridge. perhaps i was more concerned with our sincerity to each other, to the friendship with a rather bizarre beginning.

i arrived at gloria jeans, half an hour late. i don't remember if she was smiling. as soon i took my seat there was no self-conscious exchange of pleasantries. we just started to chat, as if we've both been there for over an hour already. i felt comfortable and i sensed that she did too. we talked about people, books, people, ideas, people, feelings, people. and if you are curious to know whether we talked about us. yes. did we talk about "them"? yes. him? yes. but we're decent women,so we didn't compare notes.

everything came naturally. there was no agenda set, we just tried to catch up with the developments in our separate lives. we laughed a lot. at times when the topic strayed to 'them' which was of course unavoidable, we would furrow our brows. and if we did talk about 'him' it was not exactly about him but about me and her. sure there's still pain, but the pains are gradually going away. she said it was one great stupidity that she did. and i laughed. i also admitted that i haven't really gotten completely over what has happened. but we both know that in time, when we'd look back to 2005 we'd give each other a pat on the back.

we proceeded to snackaroo for dinner. there we met up with kakai who was unusually talkative. and surprisingly brought 'him' up in our conversation. he asked what i'd do if i see 'him' again. i smiled and then i told him to ask sascha the same question. i thought, he looked perplexed. or maybe it was just an illusion. i can't remember if i had told him where she fit in the puzzle. but he did ask anyway. and he smiled at her retort.

it was truly a night i would always remember. i was happy. i was grateful to her. i was sure we were both sincere in our new-found friendship.

not many people would have the courage to approach an irate and cheated woman, especially if you're one of those who cheated her. i laud her for her honesty and humility. my ordeal was less unbearable because of what she did. i know that she was also hurting but she chose to do something not for herself but for me. she may be much younger than i am but she's displayed a sense of maturity that people her age, or even older, do not possess.

thanks sascha. it's great knowing you. the circumstances how we started becoming friends are odd. but i dare not say that if we have to do it all over again i hope the situation is different.

see you in march.

pretending i'm not afraid....'nay ko.

2005-12-13T11:57:00.000+08:00

arabella kate

2005-12-07T11:01:00.000+08:00

some good things that don't last... still may

2005-11-30T17:26:00.000+08:00

a very dear friend once told me when we had to part ways that he would not talk about me to anyone because he wanted to cherish his memories of me. that was over ten years ago. i don't know if he's broken his word. i was flattered then, although i didn't understand why. but now i do.

i have fond memories of my indonesia trip which i can't seem to put into words just because i love rekindling every moment in my mind. the images of the friends during those two weeks are still so vivid to me, even without looking at the pictures i brought home (although i view them in my computer everyday since i got home). the smiles, the chats, the kind words, the gossips, the frowns, the halting english of some, the funny stories, the laughters, the compliments and insults, the cheers, the sighs, the sad faces during our last lunch together.

dona, lam, sylvia, adrian, khinkhin, ela, dash, vat, bhopa, rhea, nice, shirlene, markus, pinpin, chea, maksum, maliphone, pary, etin, perla and candra. and bilal and isa... i may never see them again, but they'll always be a good part of me now.

2005-11-05T00:06:00.000+08:00

i'm still feeling high after the awid forum and a well-deserved vacation all by myself. it was a good feeling being in a foreign land with 1800 women from 120 countries all in solidarity with one another. i had looked forward to being alone joining other women i knew i would meet only for the first time not knowing if i would be able to make friends at all or if i would ever see them again after the four-day forum. but i did make friends, although i spoke to just a few of them over sticks of cigarettes, in between sessions; in the bus on the way to the celebration dinner sponsored by thailand's ministry of tourism, and while dancing and singing with prima donna, a troupe of Malaysian transsexual, transgender and MSM individuals.

i'm going to make a report about the forum i attended so i don't want write about it here now. what i like to do is savor the vacation i had after the four-day forum. it's a dream come true to be in a place where nobody knows me and i don't know anybody. i had the greatest time of my life just going with the flow of my energy. i allowed myself to be brought to wherever my feet would bring me. i did things i wouldn't do back in my homeland.

i loved it when i had all my time to myself, knowing that nobody missed me, nobody was thinking of me, or waiting for me to come home. i didn't have anybody to report to every action that i had to make, where i was or what i was doing or who i was talking with. i didn't have to ask anybody's permission just to go where i wanted to go. i lost my way several times ending up in places where i didn't plan to go and there was nobody there to blame me that i made a wrong decision. i ate what i wanted, wore what i wanted.

i wouldn't really say that bangkok is strange to me as i have been there many times already but it was my first to be alone. i had to rely on my own judgment, my own gut feel. it was sooooo fun. i just love being free.

i realized how brave a woman i am, and how i could handle 'situations' and still keep my poise. i wanna do it again. i will do it again. kahit magastos. :-)

no embellishment

2005-09-29T13:19:00.000+08:00

i wake up every morning with images of betrayal and deception personified staring at my face. mocking, spiteful, arrogant, unremorseful, ugly. it's the kind of ordeal i go through every minute of my waking hours no matter where i am or who i am with.

the images haunt me like ghosts, and i know that even my laughter cannot feign the anguish i feel. there is pounding in my chest that never goes away and leaves me constantly feeling fatigued. my head sorely swells not of pride but of self-humiliation. at times i want to puke just to extricate the feeling of being filthy. reduced to a sex object, taken for an idiot who could easily be duped by a display of false concern, disgraced and stripped of my dignity; such dehumanizing experience.

when a lie is not white

2005-09-05T11:45:00.000+08:00

a lie is not white when it is meant to deceive or to escape from responsibility. a lie is not white when you insist that it is the truth and still have the nerve to blame others for the consequences of that lie.

between god and the agnostic

2005-08-26T13:28:00.000+08:00

scene: sa harap ng computer.

diyos: huy, ano't nakatanga ka jan?
agnostic: (medyo nagulat pa) ah, nag-iisip ng isusulat sa blog.
diyos: write about our conversation now.
agnostic: yeah, i think that's what i should do. what's up?
diyos: the ceiling
agnostic: pansin mo di na naman ako nagdadasal?
diyos: onga, okay ka na naman?
agnostic: konting-konti na lang. i'll be very fine soon.
diyos: you went through a lot.
agnostic: oh do tell.
diyos: kumusta ka?
agnostic: hayy, i'm not very sure. though i slept better last night, at medyo madami kinain ko ngayong araw na to. mamaya munngo at paksiw ulit.
diyos: minsan kamo nakakatawa ka. one day you're ok, the next day you're not, tapos sasabihin mo na naman ok ka. sabi mo din, you only talk to me when you have problems. but now you're talking to me again.
agnostic: eh, ikaw kaya ang unang bumati.
diyos: onga, alam ko kasing gusto mo makipag-usap pero nasa denial ka pa.
agnostic: hah-hah, denial ka dyan!! wala lang akong sasabihin talaga. ikaw baka meron.
diyos: just some thoughts.
agnostic: fire away.
diyos: narinig ko kwento mo kay nina. narinig ko din mga sinabi nya sayo. i'm glad that kahit papano nakakatulong talaga ako sayo kahit di ka masyado naniniwala at kahit everytime kausap mo ko eh lingon ka ng lingon kung may makakakita sayong nagdadasal.
agnostic: yeah, there's a psychological dimension to praying kasi. tama naman di ba? pucha, akala mo ba madali makipag-usap sa hangin, mag-isip na merong totoong nakikinig sakin. i look like a fool when i pray. but somehow, like i said, praying is actually talking to oneself, isip ko rin ang sumsagot sa mga tanong ko. if at all, you, the god, exist inside me.
diyos: diyos ka din? ganon?!
agnostic: haha, hindi siguro kasi walang mga nagdadasal sa kin.
diyos: ang kaibahan kasi pag nakikipag-usap ka sakin it really makes you feel na may kasama ka. somehow, you don't feel alone, and it helps to think that the realizations that come to you as you pray actually came from an enlightened one. i just don't know how it's going to affect you later, head person ka kasi talaga, sa halip na tanggapin mo na lang na may diyos na sumasagot sayo, eto at nagra-rationalize ka na naman kung totoo ako o hindi.
agnostic: sino ko diyos? i mean, what do you call me?
diyos: si agnostic.
agnostic: need i say more?.... pero diyos, nagtatampo ka ba na i doubt if there's really a god? what does that make you feel na naaalala lang kita during times like this.
diyos: ang sabi ng mga nagtuturo ng relihiyon mo nagagalit ako. na utos ko sa inyo na magdasal kayo sakin. but you know, i don't really mind if you don't pray. i just want people to love, respect and care for one another. people never prayed before. for some people, and they are many, i don't even exist. pero kaya naman ng mga tao na maging mabuti sa isa't-isa kahit wala ako.
agnostic: eh kasi daw may incentive pag nagmahal ka ng kapwa ng dahil sa diyos. the life after death, you know that stuff. yung konsepto ng heaven na masaya, maganda, peaceful.
diyos: bakit kailangang kong pangakuan ang mga tao ng magandang buhay pagkatapos mamatay? bakit kailangang parang bata ang mga tao na bibigyan mo ng kendi pag nagpakabait. bakit kailangang takutin na masususunog sa impyerno ang kaluluwa ng masasama?
agnostic: ahhh, diyos...eh, shouldn't i be asking that, at dapat ikaw ang nagbibigay ng sagot? that's what led me to being agnostic di ba?
diyos: aba onga ano, hehe, agnostic na din yata ako.
agnostic: haha, welcome to the club.
diyos: sira! sige ka la ka pagdadasalan pag may problema ka ulit.
agnostic but you know, i thought of it just now, mahirap yata din yung gusto mo na love, repsect and care lang.... kasi may ibang human emotions eh. may anger, sadness, hatred, jealousy. parang mas marami ngang negative emotions kesa postive eh. come to think of it.
diyos: onga. that comes with the need to survive, actually. imaginin mo agnostic, kunyari there's something you really want or need for yourself, pero nag-iisa lang yon sa mundo. tapos other people want it or need it for themselves too. anong gagawin mo? kung love and care and happiness, pareho-pareho kayo na ibibigay nyo sa isa't-isa. eh di masaya kayo na naibigay nyo, pero, yung isa who got it ang magpapasaya sa kanya eh yung maibigay din yun sa for the same reasons. anong mangyayari?
agnostic: wala ng makakaangkin nong bagay na yon.
diyos: precisely.
agnostic: eh di hiraman na lang.
diyos: oo nga no. yeah, yeah, why not.
agnostic: BECAUSE hindi ganon ang human nature. masyadong hypothetical eh.
diyos: oh, so now you're talking. you should realize by this time that because of human nature and with all the emotions that make you human imposibleng walang malulungkot o masasaktan.
agnostic: hey, this isn't about me, is it?
diyos: yes, it is. you are at this time still upset somehow over something. it's not making you happy. so you gotta do something to get over it and survive.
agnostic: pero may iba namang maaapektuhan.
diyos: eh ganon nga eh. unless na okay sayo ikaw yon. can you take it?
agnostic: hmmm. god, i really don't believe this. are you suggesting that i be bad?
diyos: (a chuckle). i'm not saying you should be bad. i'm saying you should do something to survive.
agnostic: nicely put. i like that. hmmm, okay, i'll be bad.
diyos: makulit talaga lahi mo. survive! not be bad.
agnsotic: pareho din yon diyos, i'll do something to survive and people will think i'm bad. what difference does it make?
diyos: the difference lies in how people would take your actions. it depends on where they're coming from.
agnostic: pero ganon din syempre rationalization ng ibang tao. i mean, they would also justify yung actions nila. and they would also say na they're not bad, just trying to survive at bahala na ang ibang tao sa buhay nila kung ano gusto isipin.
diyos: indeed. so what's your worry?
agnostic: may mga masaapektuhan ako. do i want that?
diyos: hay naku, di ka pwedeng sumali sa Starstruck. you can't dream, believe, survive.
agnostic: tsaka 15-18 years old lang pwede don.
diyos: palit kaya tayo ng lugar, masyado kang mabait. daig mo pa ang diyos. ako na lang sa pwesto mo. ikaw dito. AKO NA LANG SASALI STARSTRUCK!!!!

death is teasing me

2005-08-18T08:07:00.000+08:00

damn it, tumama ulo ko sa sink as i tried to reach for the shampoo pero biglang nadulas ang kamay ko!! hilo pa din ako hanggang ngayon. not my idea of dying. ilang beses na the past two months na muntik akong masagasaan, mabangga ang sinasakyan kong taxi. ilang beses na din na nauuntog ako sa banyo. diyos naman, alam mo namang ayaw ko ng pangit na pagkamatay. at ayaw kong nakahubad na mamatay!!!!

kwentuhan ng diyos at agnostic

2005-08-12T21:37:00.000+08:00

setting: sa kwarto, nakaupo si agnostic sa gilid ng kama, wala lang...

diyos: o, napapadalas yata ang pagpaparamdam mo.
agnostic: oo nga eh, nakukulitan ka na ba?
diyos: ako pa!..okay nga sakin kasi baka makumbinsi ka na na diyos nga ako.
agnostic: kung sabagay, ang demonyo nga naniniwala na may diyos eh (pause)...kaso hindi rin ako naniniwala sa demonyo.
diyos: well, at least fair lang. so what is it this time?
agnostic: eh medyo lungkot pa din ako, ang hirap.
diyos: pasensya ka na at kasama yan sa mga kailangan mong daanan. kung si kristo nga bago naka-akyat sa langit eh na-torture muna ng todo-todo.
agnostic: hmmm, minsan nga mas gusto ko pa yung physical pain,a t least yun inuman mo lang ng gamot mawawala na. pero hindi ko sinabing okay ma-torture ha.
diyos: may physical pain ka din naman.
agnostic: true!! ang daya mo naman, dobleng pahirap.
diyos: eh ganon kayong mga tao eh, may katawan ka kaya may sumasakit sayo. kaya nga dapat ingatan nyong mga tao ang katawan nyo.
agnostic: (nakapangalumbaba) hay buhay (sigh)
diyos: hayaan mo munang masaktan ka, lilipas din yan.
agnostic: kelan?
diyos: it will be up to you kung kelan mo gusto ng iwanan yang mga sakit sa katawan mo at sa isip mo. kung papapatali ka sa hindi magagandang bagay at iisipin mo eh puro yung bad trip you'll be stuck sa miseries.
agnostic: sa isip? are you saying it's all in the mind?
diyos: o bakit, di ba nga?
agnostic: bakit ganon diyos, bakit kailangang nahihirapan ang tao, kahit hindi ako, kahit iba?
diyos: human follies
agnostic: hindi ba pwedeng puro magaganda na lang ang nangyayari?
diyos: ganon ba ang gusto mo? di ba walang thrill yon?
agnostic: hindi rin... kung ako ikaw, hindi ko iimbentuhin ang hatred at anger, tsaka greed na din.
diyos: ano lang?
agnostic: love lang, happiness....gusto ko masaya lahat ng tao. hindi sila mag-aaway, hindi mag-aagawan, hindi nila sasaktan ang bawat isa. gusto ko lahat ng mukha nakangiti.
diyos: sa langit ganon.
agnostic: ehem, hindi din ako naniniwala sa langit. hindi nga ko naniniwala na may life after death eh. speaking of life and death.... ikaw ba talaga ang nagbibigay ng buhay sa tao.
diyos: depende sa paniwala mo.
agnostic: kung ikaw nga ang nagbibigay, kunyari yung buhay ko, would you take my life back? i mean, soon?
diyos: gusto mo na mamatay?
agnostic: ah, wish ko talaga yun noon pa di ba?
diyos: mag-suicide ka.
agnostic: putsa, diyos ka ba talaga? di ba kasalanan yon? pinapag-suicide mo ko?!!!
diyos: hahhaha, hindi no. joke lang. takot mo lang.
agnostic: oy di ako takot mag-suicide, kahit hindi i-bless ng pari ang katawan ko okay lang sakin. mas problema ko pa yung paraan ng pagkamatay na maganda pa rin ako at hindi mahirap.
diyos: onga, tagal mo nang wish yang mamatay, at 50 right?
agnostic: well, at the latest, yes. sa ayaw mo at sa gusto. by then ayoko ng mabuhay. actually, ayokong tumanda.
diyos: nagbasa ka kasi ng veronika decides to die eh.
agnostic: ang kwela non, galing yung simula non, ganung-ganon ang pakiramdam ko eh, ganon ang gusto kong isipin on the day that i decide to die.
diyos: hindi sya natuloy magpakamatay.
agnostic: ah yun nga lang, yun ang ayaw kong part...bad trip naman si coehlo. kung ako ang tatapos non, i'll let veronika die, tapos ipakita na lang gano sya kasaya na patay na sya, tapos makikita nya yung mga ibang mga nauna nang namatay sa oras sa oras na gusto na nila. tapos magkikiwentuhan sila. masaya di ba?
diyos: sabi mo di ka naniniwala sa life after death.
agnostic: fiction naman yung libro na yon. kaya ok lang na may konsepto ng life after death...para di matakot yung ibang babasa. kesa naman don sa mga kung anu-anong sinasabi na ang mga nagsi-suicide eh mapupunta sa impyerno. tsaka kung walang life after death dun sa kwento di isang chapter lang libro dahil wala ng pag-uusapan.
diyos: bakit mo ba gustong mamatay?
agnostic: lahat naman ng tao mamamtay.
diyos: pero di lahat ng tao eh gustong mamatay. if they could live forever they would.
agnostic: baka di pa sila kuntento sa buhay, madami pang gustong gawin, o kaya marami silang kasalanan at takot masunog mga kaluluwa nila.... ako naman okay na eh, pinahirapan mo na ko, pinasaya mo na ko, na-enjoy ko naman buhay kahit papano...ano pa gagawin ko? sigurado naman ako na kung may impyerno eh di ako don mapupunta.
diyos: baka marami ka pang dapat gawin sa mundo gn mga buhay.
agnostic: like?
diyos: ipagkalat mo na kahit di ka masyado naniniwala sa diyos eh hindi ka gumagawa ng makakasakit sa iba, na di ka nang-aapi, at kung anu-ano pang kabutihan ek ek mo. kesa sa ibang dasal ng dasal eh naku po, wala namang ginawa kundi manloko ng kapwa. baka makahawa ka, baka mas gumanda buhay ng tao
agnostic: hay naku, kung ganyan ang dapat ginagawa ng mga mababait (ehem), bakit sila lagi ang madaling mamatay?
diyos: baka kasi dahil feeling nila wala silang ginagawang masama kaya hindi nag-iingat, yan tuloy, naaaksidente, nasasaksak, hahahaha.
agnostic: sira ka din.
diyos: kasi ngayon ko lang din naisip dapat pala ang mga kinukuha ko agad yung mga taong masasama para ma-purify ang humanity.
agnostic: onga, lam mo, dapat yung mga taong ang ginagawa lang sa mundo eh manakit ng kapwa, mang-agaw, magpahirap...tsaka yung mga taong wala namang magagawa ng mabuti sa mundo, dapat nagpapahinga na lang.
diyos: oh well. eh teka bakit ba kasi dun napunta usapan. di ba kaya ka andito eh kasi malungkot ka pa din.
agnostic: ah, medyo nabawasan habang nagkikwentuhan tayo.
diyos: ang bilis mo naman maging okay.
agnostic: kasi nga madali naman akong mag-appreciate ng magagandang nangyayari sakin di ba. kahit konti lang yun, at least meron.
diyos: that's the idea. so lungkot ka pa?
agnostic: konti pa rin. but i'm fine now.
diyos: so ano pang gusto mo?
agnostic: ah, magplantsa ng uniform ng anak ko... may pasok pa nga pala bukas.
diyos: o sya balik ka ha.
agnostic: balik? alam mo naman nakikipagkwentuhan lang ako sayo ng ganto kahaba pag may problema ako tapos sasasbihan mo ko ng balik ako, para mo na rin sinabing mamroblema ulit ako!!
diyos: ang daya mo talaga.
agnostic: ikaw kaya ang madaya. sabi mo mabait ako, dapat la na kong problema.
diyos: eh kung wala kang problema, patay ka na non.
agnostic: aha!!! sinasabi ko na nga ba't ang death ay end of miseries at eternal rest na yon eh.
diyos: magplantsa ka muna bago ka mag-isip ng kamatayan. dami mo pa palang gagawin eh!
agnostic: yeah, yeah. o sige. trabahong buhay muna ko. salamat ha.
diyos: anytime

the gift - jim brickman

2005-08-05T16:59:00.000+08:00

winter snow is falling down
children laughing all around
lights are turning on
like a fairy tale come true

sitting by the fire we made
you're the answer when i prayed
i would find someone
and baby i found you

all i want is to hold you forever
all i need is you more every day
you saved my heart
from being broken apart
you gave your love away
and i'm thankful every day
for the gift

watching as you softly sleep
what i'd give if i could keep
just this moment
if only time stood still

but the colors fade away
and the years will make us grey
but baby in my eyes
you'll still be beautiful

all i want is to hold you forever
all i need is you more every day
you saved my heart
from being broken apart
you gave your love away
and i'm thankful every day
for the gift

all i want is to hold you forever
all i need is you more every day
you saved my heart
from being broken apart
you gave your love away
i can't find the words to say
that i'm thankful every day
for the gift

wala lang, sarap lang kantahin pag di makatapos ng report

Take Some Risk....

2005-08-03T11:09:00.000+08:00

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.

To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.

To reach out for another is to risk involvement.

To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
To place your ideas, your dreams,
before the crowd is to risk their loss.

To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.

To hope is to risk despair.

To try is to risk failure.

But this risk must be taken, because the greatest
hazard in life is to risk nothing.

The person who risk nothing does nothing,
has nothing and is nothing.

He may avoid suffering and sorrow,
but he simply cannot learn, feel, change,
grow, love, live...
chained by his certitudes,
he is a slave;
he has forfeited freedom.

ONLY A PERSON WHO RISK IS FREE.

- unknown -

it will go away

2005-07-20T16:39:00.000+08:00

this is one time when i feel i am suffering from the greatest loss so far. it caught me unaware and therefore unprepared that this was going to happen. i couldn't believe it at first, but now that i've been trying to find all the help i could get in order for me to recover i realize how affected i was or am. eleven out 25 symptoms of grief is present in me and i'm still swinging between the stage of anger and letting go (stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, letting go, acceptance). i'm not sure when i'll get past these stages but hope to finally come to my senses and accept that it's really over and that better life awaits me.

i'm not ashamed to admit that i cried almost everyday in the last two weeks. i'm a very transparent person anyway, people whom i don't even know could see that i was hurting...and yeah, depressed. but my tears are healing me. being able to cry when i wanted to helped make me feel relieved afterwards. my tears mean that i am not denying myself of my real feelings.

i'm between anger and letting go. anger because i felt misled. letting go because i know i must. i'm moving on towards acceptance because i'm slowly seeing that life could get worse for me if this thing goes on. i am painstakingly persuading myself that my loss now is for the best. i just have to finish a few more business before i finally say i've done everything i must and i have nothing more to regret. i'm still angry at the moment but one day i will be able to forgive and say with straight face: it's his loss, not mine.

101 things i'll miss about romel

2005-07-06T09:30:00.000+08:00

1. galugarin ang binondo para sa dragon oil na request ng daddy nya which culminated with a snack at estero, crispy froglegs.

2. tumambay sa plaza ng cotabato city isang madaling araw at lapitan ng bulag para sabihing cute ako... o sya (?). ewan namin, di namin alam kung sino talaga ang tinitingnan saming dalawa.

3. morning and evening conversations habang magkayakap

4. maligo ng sabay at tuloy ang kwentuhan

5. our parenting roles to ayi and kai

6. sagada adventure at ang masasarap na food doon

7. davao city. humbertos, lispher, hotel galleria, luz kinilaw, tan-ton, i love sushi, kadayawan festival, samal island, sm davao, yung kapihan sa sm, gaisano ilustre at yung italian restaurant sa 5th floor, nccc na may masarap na kilawin at seaweeds na sobrang mura, basti's brew, blugre, mts, jack's ridge

8. romel's pasta surprise number 2 na niluto nya nong christmas and downing a bottle of asti spumanti na may mamam na kasunod.

9. experimenting with vegetaraian dishes which always turned out really good na pag iluluto ulit namin the same dish eh iba na naman ang procedure pero sumasarap pa rin

10. watching movies with him at pagpipigil na makatulog

11. quick dinners with richie and i sa gateway

12. PDA

13. cellphone bills that could soar to P4,000 a month because of endless texting and calls

14. ayi

15. "hello wifey"

16. i-sketch sya habang tulog

17. art sessions namin

18. watch and listem to him play his electric guitar

19. piano lessons, lalo na nung natutunan ko tugtugin yung "how did you know"

20. bakasyon sa marinduque na pareho kaming pagod pagkatapos magbakasyon

21. reading aloud para sabay na kaming nakakapagbasa

22. Yahoo messaging

23. makinig sa mga kwento at problema nya tungkol sa trabaho

24. makilala ang mga kaibigan nya

25. dinner at cantina with ayi and kai

26. pagsundo sa kanya sa kanto ng st. mary at new york

27. him taking photos and videos of me

28. dining with him, bellinis, muang thai, cpk, dulcinea, snackaroo, inato, jordans, cibo, dulcinea, cafe bola, superbowl, cheesecake etc, mediterranean restaurant sa greenbelt, ice monster, rasa sa may araneta, max's, cafe breton, mcdonald's, greens, vegemix sa kamias na nakakagulat ang presyo eh ang liit-liit ng resto, kenny roger's, pollo loco, pancake house

29. pig-out sa sm - eat-all-you can lunch na hanggang kinabukasan ay busog pa kami

30. nakaw na picture-taking sa ccp while waiting for kai's recital to start

31. watching ayi's soccer games

32. listening to kai practice his recital pieces

33. his nude sketches of me

34. playing boggle and beating him most of the time

35. the endless hamunan ng chess match na di naman natuloy ever

36. massage sessions complete with body shop massage oil or yung sa bench na para sa paa, pero lugi sya sakin kasi magaling sya magmasahe at ako eh dinadaan sa lambing at kwento

37. paghuhugas nya ng dishes

38. pagliligpit sa kwarto

39. yung ipaglaba sya at babayaran nya ko - valuation of reproductive work daw

40. yung ipagplantsa nya ko and i'd give him back half of what he paid me for doing the laundry - valuation of reproductive work din

41. valencia, bukidnon at ang matabang nyang spaghetti while watching 'finding nemo"

42. vienna koffeehaus sa cagayan de oro

43. window shopping

44. shopping for his running shoes

45. pagbantay sa things nya habang tumatakbo sya sa UP

46. crabstick sandwich and green salad

47. sunday mornings sa may sacred heart church para kumain ng kwek-kwek at mamili ng suman at espadang tuyo

48. pamamalengke sa farmers' market

49. MRT rides

50. pagsundo sa kanya sa airport

51. pagsundo nya sakin sa airport

52. discovering na ang dami palang lugar na magkasama kami pero di kami magkakilala at nagkikita

53. listening to his life story na installment ang dating

54. magic singing with him

55. paghintay nyang matapos yung training sa afrim at kumanta ng "what a wonderful world"

56. pag-introduce sa kanya, "si romel, asawa ko."

57. pagpunta sa school fair nila kai

58. the roller coaster ride sa fiesta mall sa alabang na muntik ko na kinahimatay

59. pag-ikot sa cotabato city, pinakita nya itsura ng ukay-ukay don

60. diskusyon kung kailangan ba ng separate na cr para sa mga gays

61. his sarcastic remarks

62. swimming lessons everytime may opportunity

63. pagpaplano ng mga susunod na pupuntahan, vigan, fort ilocandia, balik sa sagada na kaming dalawa lang, corregidor, mental sa bataan, backpacking

64. pagdamutan sya ng crispy gurami na pasalubong ni richie from thailand

65. dreaming of growing old together

66. yung kwento nya kung pano nya naiintindihan ang mga diocesan priests at kaibahan nito sa congregation o order ba yon... antok na antok na ko nung inuusap namin yon

67. kwentuhan tungko sa masons at templars

68. jorge, jazer and julia (anak nila jazer na di nagpapakarga sa iba pero sa kin eh ahlos sumama na pauwi)

69. pagpunta sa mga simbahan na di namin dinadasalan pero pini-picturan naman nya

70. "kitakits" na text nya tuwing magbo-board sya ng eroplano

71. "maligayang pagdating sa paliaparan ng maynila" tuwing pag-landing ng eroplanong sinasakyan ko kahit san ako galing

72. always telling me i'm amazing

73. haharap sa salamin na magkayakap

74. touching his face hanggang ma-memorize ko ang buong contour ng mukha nya

75. marinig ang hilik nya

76. waking up each morning with him beside me

77. pag-iikot sa buong national bookstore looking for a perfect gift for richie and i

78. kahati sa lahat ng gastos

79. joint account namin na laging utang ang hulog nya at hanggang ngayon eh di pa namin nako-close

80. umiyak habang kayakap sya

81. his tears... "tears of joy" daw

82. my tears..."tears for fears"

83. ma-amaze sa kanya na mababaw naman pala ang kaligayahan nya lalo na pag nanunuod ng eat bulaga

84. his lunches at wise act

85. yung mga tics nya na unang-una nyang sinabing dapat kong maksanayan sa kanya.

86. pag-tirintas sa goatee nya

87. mga gabing naglalakad sa buong barangay

89. mga mamam na mamam

90. pangungulit nya

91. monopoly game with kai na ang gulang-gulang nya

92. pakikinig nya sa mga kwento ko tungkol sa office

93. yung mga mata nyang nalulungkot para sa kin dahil sa mga dinaanan ko at pagtatanong kung pano ko kinaya lahat yun

94. tea times with him

95. coming home and knowing he would be home soon

96. reading the books that he gave me

97. "naaley"

98. yung perfume o wrist watch na ireregalo nya dapat sakin sa birthday ko o sa pasko na di na matutuloy

99. "labs" sa phone book ko, kasi "toink" na ngayon ang naka-register

100. missing him

101. SIYA!!!

i could list down more pero sa title ay 101 lang kaya tama na yon.

sarcasm

2005-07-04T04:29:00.000+08:00

it's hard to deal with sarcasm professionally when there are or were emotions involved. i can get away with derisive remarks from people i work with because i need not take them personally. in the same manner, i can speak in contemptuous tone unworried that the person might be offended or incensed by my commentaries because it's just work, nothing personal. heated arguments could arise especially that i'm very vocal about my views and opinions and i usually draw the ire of many people but they and i know it's just work and at the end of the day it's back to level-headedness and casual chit-chats.

but it's different with somebody i had a past and i try to discuss things at professional level. while i try to ignore sarcastic remarks it never fails to set off my exasperation. my patience is always put to the test. i am capable of setting aside my personal interest or disinterest on a person if i have to discuss work-related matters. unfortunately, not all people are like that. it's not just once that i had to transact business with a someone i got very close to. and it's not just once that the person i deal with could afford to be sarcastic and i would keep my calm. i often wondered if they would treat other people they work with the same way they treat me. perhaps they would be courteous. if they know they're pass their deadline they would probably be apologetic. hayy.

nawawalang blog

2005-07-02T08:04:00.000+08:00

gumawa ako ng hiwalay na blog, yung ako lang ang may alam. yung hindi alam ng ibang nagbabasa ng blog ko, yung pag may naligaw ay magbabasa lang kung maganda ang nakasulat at wala lang kung di naman interesting ang post ko. para sana don ako magsulat ng magsulat ng magsulat ng most intimate thoughts ko, para sana yun ang maging outlet ko kasi may mga bagay na di ko pa pwede i-share sa mga taong kilala ako, pero likas akong madaldal at open about my thoughts and feelings kaya sana dun na lang sa blog na yon muna.

matapos ang mahigit sampung palit ng url dahil lahat ng pinili ko ay di daw available finally ay may tinannggap din ang blogger.com. naka-proceed din ako sa paggawa ng blog complete with altered profile, kaso nakalimutan ko ang username at password. ayan di tuloy ako makapag-post. ilang email na ang natanggap ko in trying to recover my username and password eh lalo lang gumulo ang buhay.

a few things i learned about life, pag nagiging open ang isang tao tungkol sa buhay nya dalawang bagay ang pwedeng mangyari. either maintindihan ka ng mga tao or maging prone ka sa mga misinterpretations and misperceptions nila about you. unti-unti kong natutunan ngayon na laging may risk sa pakikipag-relate sa mga tao, there's a greater risk if you trust a particular person with everything about you at di ka nya maintindihan. o di mo sya maintindihan. but i'm that kind of person who loves to trust, parang don umiinog ang buhay ko, nagsisimula ako lagi sa basic goodness ng mga tao at they can be trusted. iba-iba lang talaga ang mga takbo ng buhay ng bawat isa kaya iba-iba din ang pananaw at interpretasyon sa buhay. tapos sa sarili mo din may mga in-expect ka din from the people that you trust, at nakaka-disappoint pa-minsan pag di na-meet yung expectaions mo. in the same manner, nadi-disappoint din sila kapag di mo nami-meet expectations nila. ganon naman talaga.

kaya wag na lang akong magsalita, magsulat na lang ako. pero sana mahanap ko na yung nawawalang blog ko.